Things You NEED!

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Things You NEED!
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Image by Boogies with Fish
As a Public Service and a personal means of making mischief, I’m presenting to you a range of products which will undoubtedly enhance your enjoyment of life, make you healthier, more attractive and possibly bring you a little good luck. As you may have heretofore been unaware of these necessities, I’ve kindly left the web site addresses of the advertisers plainly visible so that you may, if you so choose, purchase them from their esteemed vendors.

These items were carefully culled from "The Emporium" pages of The Atlantic,  a notoriously leftist rag which I study studiously each month. And now, I present the crème de la crème  of the lot.

Let’s begin with a light dinner: You may be tempted by this, but I have multiple objections, one being sudden death by Anaphylactic shock. My allergy to shellfish toxin would do me in withing the hour. I have another nagging fear here. Is this stuff delivered to your door packed in dry ice? Contact the company for more information. Suggest to them that they send me a commission cheque.

I find this one particularly amusing, since my exhaustive research has uncovered no convincing evidence that human pheromones even exist, let alone that they provide any useful advantages in the love game: I have two further comments on Dr. Cutler’s magic potion. The first is, if you used this product, would you be willing to admit it? Could it go something like this:

MAN: Honey, I have something I need to tell you. I’ve been using human pheromones to attract you to me. 

WOMAN: Well, that explains a lot, you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] !

I direct my second comment to Lee of WA. Lee, I am very sad for you. You have my deepest condolences.

Okay, okay, I have to admit that this one looks like fun: However, my dignity suffers sufficiently from the big stogie sticking out of my mouth. Hey, remember, Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

For the waistline challenged I present: Is it just me or does that thing look dangerous. Would you let your children play with it? Of course this begs the question whether you are ignorant enough to believe that four minutes of exercise a day is going to do anything but give you a sudden violent heart attack the next time you try to tango with your sweetie. Seriously, folks. I’m going to make a million with MadDog’s Foolproof Weight Loss Diet at US100 a pop. It will consist of a postcard delivered to the client’s house with one sentence written on the back. – "Stop stuffing food into your gob all day!"

You know, I’d actually buy this (bit of a hat fetish here) if I actually believed that I could roll it up and it would look okay after I unroll it:

But, US bucks? Hey, I didn’t come in on a load of pumpkins! It’s made in Ecuador, for pity’s sake. Those people get paid in bananas. No way I’m going to enrich the capitalist exploiters of the sweaty masses. On the other hand, if you want to send me one for testing purposes . . .

Well, this indeed is the perfect holiday gift. Too bad the holidays are over: HELLO! . . . anybody out there ever hear of a supermarket?

Hey, something just popped into the little round space in my head that I use for a mind. What if the people who buy this stuff are simply lonely? Isn’t that sad? Maybe the UPS guy is their only contact with normal humans. We could be dealing with some very disconcerting stuff here. Somebody should write a chick-flick screen play. Hey, maybe I  will. Any producers out there sniffing around for a hot property?

I’m actually grateful for the enlightenment by which I was enlightened by the simple reading of this ad: I had no idea that the US Library of Congress had thiry official, registered, supremely pompous, gloriously elegant and powerful yet dignified Eagle designs just sitting there waiting for somebody to come along and commercialise. Wonders do  exist! Who knows what other wonders lie neglected on dusty shelves which can be converted into ready cash. And, it so patriotic! Still, I’ll pass.

You know, I’ve been thinking green a lot lately. I’ve discovered that being poor is a marvelous way of reducing my carbon footprint. I’m seriously considering becoming destitute. Maybe my footprint will become so small that I’ll simply float up into the air and live in the clouds. And, today I discovered another essential device to hasten the day when I’ll be flat broke and wondering how all my precious moolah went up in smoke:
I particularly appreciate the "self extinguishing brass base". Until now, I laboured under the delusion that brass doesn’t burn, except, of course, under the most intense heat – and I’m not sure about that. Furthermore this device is very chummy with the environment, having raped only the bees for their abodes, won’t poison me or give me cancer and, thank you so much, doesn’t drip. Man I hate those candle drips! It takes hours to pick them all off and feed them back into the little puddle of molten paraffin.

Manufacturers of the world, we implore you. Please, in the name of Mercy, give us more useless crap!

Image from page 1128 of “Hardware merchandising March-June 1919” (1919)
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Image by Internet Archive Book Images
Identifier: hardmerchmarjun1919toro
Title: Hardware merchandising March-June 1919
Year: 1919 (1910s)
Subjects: Hardware industry Hardware Implements, utensils, etc Building
Publisher: Toronto :
Contributing Library: Fisher – University of Toronto
Digitizing Sponsor: Algoma University, Trent University, Lakehead University, Laurentian University, Nipissing University, Ryerson University and University of Toronto Libraries

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Text Appearing Before Image:
take whatever meansnecessary to make any kind of a straightguessing or gambling scheme in connec-tion with business illegal. The mail order houses were touched onwhen deprecating the fact that somemanufacturers, though they depend on the legitimate retail trade for the majorportion of their distribution, will stillput the mail order houses on their job-bers list, and thus assist in unfair com-petition with them. Favor Credit Business Rather Than Cash Considerable discussion was given tothe problem of conducting retail businesson a stiictly cash basis. It seemed to bethe consensus of opinion that this wasstrictly a matter for each merchantsindividual decision. One speaker statedthat while indiscriminate credit was, ofcourse, absolutely ruinous, that a legiti-mate credit business can be done bythose who keep closely in touch with allaccounts, and that a pointblank refusalon the part of retailers generally to ex-tend this accommodation to those of theircustomers who were good risks would

Text Appearing After Image:
MAYOR BLACK of Regina, who welcomed the visiting delegateson behalf of the city. simply be playing into the hands of themail order houses. This was speciallytrue as regards rural communities, inthat farmers especially would find itvery inconvenient to pay for each item asthey received it; in fact, if they were re-quired to do so, they would be more like-ly to use the catalog. Loss on Gasoline The hardware merchants and those ofthe grocers who operate gasoline sta-tions complain that they have had greatdifficulty and considerable loss owing tothe present system by which they buytheir gasoline by weight and dispense itby the gallon. One retailer stated thatthe last filling of his five barrel tank,even though sold carefully, for checkingpurposes, showed him a loss of 15 gal-lons. One of the gasoline companiesexplained that the average merchant didnot realize what a volatile substance pe-troleum product was. A change of 20degrees F. in temperature resulted in a.% diference in volume abov

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